the last straw
It’s not been good.
I haven’t been feeling very happy with myself these past few weeks, partly because of work pressure, partly due to matters close to the heart. Usually I’m able to keep both at bay in separate compounds like dogs on leashes. Unfortunately a couple of them had gnawed through the ropes and ran amok for a bit.
Last night the team and I stayed overnight in the office rushing for deliverables for a client, which we know we’ll never finish on time. We were doing patchwork of things to be shown and hiding what’s incomplete. Or rather, my colleagues were doing most of the development work while I, having no particular skill in design or programming, could only cheer them on from the sidelines with virtual pom-poms and guiding them where necessary.
Being in my position as lead, I have certain responsibilities to the Co and the client. Cutting a long story short, pressure is put to perform better, think faster, decide wiser, and manage expectations above all the hustle and bustle. I certainly wasn’t in the right frame of mind that night for all that. It got to a point of feeling quite helpless and useless, unable to do anything much to help the team, and that’s when the emotional dogs attacked.
The built-up pressure was so immense that I couldn’t take it anymore.
I got home this morning, 7.30 a.m. and broke down in the shower. I felt the stress, the worries, the insecurity, the helplessness flow with the water. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. And I still had a grueling 2-hour presentation at 10 a.m. which I certainly didn’t look forward to. But work was work, and after having a good cry and cleaned up, the show went on.
Looks like our looking forward to a break this weekend was short-lived after all. Because of unfinished (and now additional after the presentation) work and a final deadline, we’d have to work long hours tomorrow, and return much earlier than the others on Monday and continue. Might even have to haul a laptop or two and get some work done in the hotel room. We couldn’t get a reasonable time extension from the client to get things done on a more steady pace. There goes paradise found.
I felt — and still feel — like I’ve let me team down for not leading well, and for having their holiday cut short and ruined. Shit like that happens, sure, but this time it’s unusually overwhelming.
I realised something that morning.
I couldn’t keep my personal demons detached from my work emotions, got them mixed up, and couldn’t tell the difference between what was professional and what was personal stress anymore.
Perhaps my weakness was in the lack of personal emotional strength. I used to be able to hold it up, a 40-hour work day without breaking points such as this one. Where did it go? Are emotions harder to control as we get older? Could it have been handled better if I’d made a heavy decision to put my personal issue to rest for good, before it got out of hand? Maybe I’m not cut out to be in the position that I am in the Co. Am I better off just being middle management and not move up the ranks? I guess that’s one issue I have to resolve, slowly but surely.
I had to borrow strength from my “online visitors” that night to stop the dam from breaking. I almost desperately searched and waited for anyone who’d pop by and say hello. A big Thank You to all who kept me company that night with your messages over YM. You mightn’t have known it, but it kept things in check for me and helped me stay sane till I got home.
Just when I needed you most.
56 Comments so far
Leave a reply
uih, no one yet?
eh..u ok anot?…hope u r feeling better after letting it all out…life is like tat lor…got it’s ups n downs…chin up girl..hugss…
i m sure ur team will understand the contraints..
if not, buy them chocolates.. tht will do the tricks.
wuahhhh…nice photo…
i sakripice a hug…amacam??? feeling better now???
*hUgZ* *cHuP* *HuGz* *ChUp*
Aisayman ! So 9 strees ah ? Anyway…hope you ok ledi. Lin Peh kasi sappot !
Awww…. Poor thing!!! Ok, you need a good rest soon, a good break soon, lots of kisses now, and maybe some extra lormaikai, and a good bowl of bakuteh thrown in for good measure.. Life’s a bitch at the moment, but things will clear up (Cycles, cycles), and then you’ll wonder why your knickers were ever in that twisted state at all! Hold on to your horses, and don’t do a Humpty Dumpty, ok? No High Walls… Hugs & Kisses & Slurps & Ritter Sorts.
be strong may!!! the personal evil thing… will run far far away!
Coz I will buy you lots of protex… it will protex you from evil stuff!
Next time invite me to bath together lah! At least i can offer you a shoulder to cry on! *grin*
hang in there dahling…
just remember to breath k
*BEAR HUGS*
*hugs*
Oh hunny…you poor bunny… *big big hugs*
You know, sometimes you must give yourself a break. You have always been a rock (to me and I’m sure to countless others), but give yourself a chance for someone to be your rock too.
Sometimes, the walls need to come down…just for a little while..until you feel better..until you feel ready to face the world again with a big smile on your lovely face.
For what it’s worth, I’m a big piece of rock. You are more than welcome to rest on me, ya?
We can’t be strong all the time. I’m sure you have done to the best of your ability.
Damn. I saw you and did not type a peep your way. I was actually surprised to have seen you on. Sometimes I fear I’m a pest so I don’t stick my long nose in with a howdy. Sorry for not giving you support.
Don’t put all of the weight on your shoulders. Yes you are the lead. But you are not the whole. All the components have to function together. As long as you do your best be satisfied. If this is not the case then seek to be better. That is all a human can do.
And cry when you need to cry. It beats blowing up inside. Don’t doubt yourself. And do not let the juggling act of business and the life personal upset you when they get mixed up. You “are”, where ever you go. You cannot divide yourself mentally any more than you can divide yourself physically.
Smile. Even if your crown falls out. (poor attempt at humor)
I know the pressure of work, I used to work around the clock too and as I am the only engineer deadlines were crucial too as most of corrective measure are of a 4 hour deadline and I’d be in the office like 2 days…
Emotions are not easily controled, no matter who, sometimes talking bout it with dear ones will lessen the burden you carry on your shoulders. I’m glad you had company to help you pull through.
I know how hard it is to hang alone… done that too… worked 7 days a week back then… about 10 hours a day
Hang there sweetie, I can see rainbows forming for your pleasure…
Hugs!!!
poor Maymay..
aiyohh… I didnt know the pressure & stress u have when I “disturbed” u yest night leh
hope u can find some time to relax and give yourself a deserved and good rest soon..
don’t pull out tentacles, okie?
*sotong hugs*
Have faith. Believe in yourself. You can do it.
Somethings are beyond your control.
If you had done your best there is no shame.
Before there is breakthrough, first there is breakdown
so after your 2 hour shower (i love hot showers so therapeutic)
now you can move faster liao
Psssssstt…dun wait for peeps to drop in, go get em
awww
*HUGGGZZZ*
=) staying in office till 7.30 am is really AMAZING! i’ve not done that ……. yet………… *touch wood*
kekeke…did i hear sth abt PROGRAMMING??? *puts on antenna*
ARE WE IN THE SAME INDUSTRY??? *skip skip*
no worries…everything will be just alrite!
and don put the blame on urself…if a team fails..every1 shares the blame,if the team succeeds..every1 shares the success too…thats a TEAM
*hugs*
Things will be better soon…
Hang in there and yes, it’s probably best to resolve the personal issues once and for all, yeah? Perhaps that’s the biggest Evil of ‘em all…
* g r o u p h u g z *
I hope this help. Whenever I am down and stress I used the verse below as a prayer and a source of strength.
“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” Philippians 4:13
Also let me share this song with you. It is shared by someone who loves me. I blog about it sometime ago.
May the good Lord bless you and keep you,
Whether near or far away,
May you find that long awaited golden day today.
May your troubles all be small ones,
And your fortunes ten times ten,
May the good Lord bless and keep you,
Till we meet again.
May you walk with sunlight shining,
And a bluebird in every tree,
May there be a silver lining,
Back of every cloud you see,
Will you dream of sweet tomorrows,
Never mind what might have been,
May the good lord bless and keep you,
Till we meet again.
Look after yrself and hope today will be a much happier day for you.
my dear, it’s not because of age that you find harder to hold it in. it’s because of time. too many, too much, too often…it just breaks you down over time. there will always be a low point, and from thereon, there is only one way to go and that is up. you are a good leader in that you empathise with your ppl. you may not have the technical expertise to help them but you were there every step of the way and that makes a great leader, as well as a good friend. don’t expect yourself to be perfect. nobody can keep their personal emotions so clearly defined and in check. that will be called god, not humans. perhaps the personal part came at a bad time, or maybe the work stress was the wrong timing. it all came together. but that doesn’t make you weak or a bad leader. you are after all human and you are doing a good job. have a good cry and stand up. what defines your strength is not how many times you fall, but how you stand up again after each fall. wish i can give you a big gigantic hug now. perhaps all you need is a friend’s touch. *hugggggggggg*
lots of love and big fat hugz =)
Hey.. hope you are feeling better already…
Work is like that.. it always comes with ups and downs.. just think of all the good things the good lead that you have done..
And I’m sure your team will think like wise.
Live your life to the fullest and try not to break it~*
hi there mayster,
a couple of things i’ve heard and i think are words to live by:
“… a smooth sea never made a skilled mariner…”
“… burdens are the foundations of ease and bitter things the forerunners of pleasure…”
the simple truths of those two passages are that there’s always light at the end of the tunnel; and what you go through can only make you stronger and capable in the future…
so hold your head up high May; you’ve made it this far - you’ll make it a damned sight farther…
with loving support always, your biggest fan
Gia go yam cha and outing at PD. After running obstacle course, go-kart and paint ball, sure ong one.
littlemissmay… big hug from nellie and me
kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss
time is our biggest enemy… never look back… age does not matter… YOU ARE THE BEST!!!
Hugs to you, May. You do need some rest, after a heady two - three months of entertaining, and now, work. Waiting for your grinny smile again.
Aiyo darling.. it’s not ur fault la.. U din let anybody down.. like u said lor.. shit happens.. Dun be so hard on urself.. We’ll get drunk in P’kor k? k? k?
BIGS HUGS!
dear everybody,
thank you for all your comments, messages and SMSes… really, truly appreciate your concern, you’ve touched my heart deeply! things are looking better today, and though the show ain’t over yet, life goes on and we’ll get through it one way or another, yea? have a sun-shining weekend!
sengkor - 5 hug tokens! looks like you’re the first! yea, bought them chocolates at the airport to pou fan sou…
eve - 3 hug tokens! and yea, better today after getting through the big wave. tsunami is next week, but will deal with it when the time comes and not before, hor?
ah nel - 1 hug token! and yes yes yessss… feel much better after your hUgZ!! tengkiu tengkiu. I took those photos 2 years ago at Sipadan. I miss the blue skies and that island, such paradise.
Lin Peh - tengkiu for your sappot!! not so stress today, better.
L B - good rest and good break, that’s this weekend, I hope. bring on the lormaikais and bakutehs, we’ll need to fuel our tummies with lotsa porkies!! ooh, bought 10 packs of Ritter Sport from the airport, so the Major Indulgence, aitelyu!! * Huggies & Kissies *
velverse - strong!! grrr!! but these people really worse than “link panas” ler. sked liao! mana itu protex?!
Cocka Doodle - ooooh, kill 2 birds with 1 stone, hor? at least I don’t have to lean against the cold wall, wakakaka!
binx - hangin’ onto as many vines and ropes as possible! *breathe in… breathe out…* *HUGS*
ubisetela - hugs to you too!!
k - thank you for offering to be my rock… *grin* I feel better already knowing you and all the rest are out there giving me moral support. I would need a rock once in awhile, look you up then, ok?
king’s wife - thank you for the kind words, dearie!
SA - it’s ok, like I told some who messaged the same thing to me after that, you couldn’t have known so don’t blame yourself. good pep-talk coming from you, thanks! I like what you said, “you “are” wherever you go”. and the crown is smiling with me.
zeroimpact - your job sounds tough!! wish I had half your endurance with those long hours you put in. I can see clearly now, the rain has gone… HUGS!
Chen - it was good that you “disturbed” me that night, it helped me take my mind off the pressure for a few minutes. thank you for coming to the “rescue”!! tentacles are still intact, all 8 accounted for, though some of the ends have been chewed on…
titoki - yes ma’am!! I know I can… I know I can… I know I can…
fantasyflier - actually it was a 15-minute shower, and a 2-hour meeting after that!! wish I could stay in the shower for 2 hours though, it would’ve wrinkled me up like a giant prune, but water is always so therapeutic. I’ll go “get” you next time when you’re online, ya!
Pink Cotton - errr, wouldn’t want to do that too often, staying that “late”! LOL! you do programming too? IT industry? we’re a web agency here so there’s a fair bit of programming for sure.
plink - *HUGS*
angel - you make sense, babes. but timing isn’t right to solve the personal issues just yet. I’ve kinda put them on hold until the storm blows over at work. but yes… it is perhaps the biggest evil of them all… *sigh*
The Silent Reader - thank you! I don’t know the tune, but the lyrics are lovely. every cloud has a silver lining, yes?
me - you’ve been wonderful with your encouraging words! really appreciate you taking the time to put in your thoughts on this. makes me feel much better. hhuuggss!!
ChristinE - love and hugz to you too, babes!! thanks for staying up to do the gallery pix!
zara’s mama - yes, better today after much needed sleep. I guess the tiredness made me brains meltdown a bit, huh? I’m thankful I have a great time to work with!
~TheAngel~ - living it, lovin’ it! gotta take in all the bad with the good, yea?
The Incredible Bulk - thank you for humouring me on YM these past few days, it’s good to have had talked to you. let’s go do dinner sometime, ok? and that ice cream too!!
gbyeow - no obstacle course for me please, LOL!! don’t want to try and figure things out anymore. PD, eh? is anyone still looking into that PD trip thingy?
cp1 - kisskisskisskissykiss to you and Nellie!! if Nellie can overcome her lalang hair, I will surely get through this too!! Big Hugs!!
mother superior - the whole team deserves a break for sure! the smile is there, temporarily resting. will be back soon!
Jules - aiyoooo, dowan to get drunk ler! let me zzzz, I need the rest, k? k? k? you guys get drunk all you want, LOL!! HUGZ
kam we go together gether go sipadan as i wana go there long time ledi…
Aiyah… and I was thinking of sheltering you with my small little umbrella just for two
Lambat edi
But still
Hugs!!!
Hugs!!!
Hugs!!!
are you sure anot? No one can be worst than “link panas”. Trust me… no one! In my entire life!!! Over my dead body!!! NO ONE!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……
you mentioned the right words…. dinner and ice cream… yeah, when things have settled down for you, let’s do dinner and ice cream…
in the meantime, keep your chin up… i’m very proud of you… you’ve slugged it out through some hard times and you’re still standing…
ice cream, here we come!!!
Kinda late, but hang in there! Love the pictures btw, especially the first one
Have a good weekend ahead
you sound like you need a drink.
back yet? got bring some wind back for us ?
things getting better or not? ( ops lets forget abt monday ….)
hi sweetie… hope all went well… cheer up ya!!!
smmooccchhhhes
*waiting*
well, didnt know there was a crisis when i talked to u last week. sorry for not knowing better. if i had felt it that evening, would have lend a finger to plug that leaky dam upstair… *wink wink*
take care!!
u are back!! welcome back
Hang in there, Littlemissmay; hang in there and dont give up. When you have some time, why not call up the Coliseum Gang and have an eat-in somewhere?
*comes here looking for Almost Paradise*
?????
how come i cant see that page anymore..the page with two birds bathing by the pool????? is it me or its just tuesday????
ah nel - ooo yes, Sipadan!! loved the place. it’s not like it used to be, I heard. lots of corals and sealife destroyed… *sad sigh*
zeroimpact - dun care, dun care… I want to be under the umbrella with you anyway, can? *grin* I’d love a few good hugs!! *HUGGAHUGGAHUGGAHUGGAHUGGA*
velverse - wakakakaka! those were the days, huh? Link Panas… terlalu panas, kena minum banyak air!! well, this one’s quite different in their demands. scary, even. till I wanna run and hide… siao!
The Incredible Bulk - thanks, big guy. really appreciate having you around to talk in times of siao-ness in my head. hey, time for me to meet your other half, yea? I’m sure she wouldn’t mind an ice-cream or two too… *wink*
Emily - it’s never too late for HUGZ! thanks for the picture compliment. I love pictures of the sea, very calming to the eyes, yea? I enjoyed your photoshop lesson! I think I’ll deepen the blue skies a bit… heheh!
~TheAngel~ - thank you! hope you had a great one yourself!!
jimbo - had a drink, I did! the usual stout with orange juice. good stuff to put me to zzzz. jomz!
winn - yes, back! brought some sand home with me, no wind (unless you don’t mind some farts…ooops!). got a rough week ahead, but I’m sure we’ll get through it!
cp1 - sweetieeeee!! *HUGS* all’s good so far. not up to my ears yet with stress. smoochies for you and Nellie baby!!
angel - still waiting? home oredi liao… *tugs on sari… runs and hides behind coconut tree*
seefei - hey, no worries! really appreciate that phone call, it cheered me up and put my mind off work for awhile. I heard you had a whale of a time with the KL blogger gang!! so when’s your next trip up? can’t miss the next chance to meet liao!
Winn - I’m back, I’m back!! yay!! *waves virtual pink pom-poms*
fishtail - it’s been awhile since we all met up, yea? everyone seems busy with their own little things. perhaps towards Christmas, we’ll have something soon…
ahgel - sorry, sorry!! dunno what happened, maybe too many whale whale until I ter-marked my post as “private” instead of “published”. all is fixed now, post is back in display again. *rolls downhill in sarong*
cp1 - it’s Tuesday!! not you… LOL!! accidentally marked the post private somehow. maybe too much sun, yea? the birds are back in action! *wink*
Hugs?
Sure sure… you can have all the hugs you want from me
Heh heh heh
Thanks! About darkening the sky, by all means go ahead! Heheh~
zeroimpact - awwww… don’t mind if I indulge in a few good hugs from you then!! *snuggles under the umbrella for some hugs*
emily - yes, my PS Master! hmmm, now where did I put that photo? firing up Photoshop…