little miss may

happy father’s day

It’s Father’s Day today.

Last night over dinner I was asked if I missed my Dad.

Yes I do… but, though it’s weird to say it, I wish I missed him more.

Admittedly I was never really close to my father; we kids were mostly taken care of by Mum and our closest relatives. He wasn’t the ideal father figure for many reasons, but in any case, he was still our father. He was a lot closer to his friends and boy scouts whom he taught for a period of time, had a lot of respect for him, a relationship I’m proud yet envious of.

I went for a walk this afternoon around Balls Head; it was a cold but sunny Winter’s day. On the way back I took a different route that the usual road, and came to this little hidden circular lookout point that had a pretty good view of the Harbour Bridge.

As I was standing there a sudden thought entered my mind and I said out loud, “Happy Father’s Day, Dad”. I couldn’t help but break into a sob.

I wish I could have sent him a card he’d receive in his hands and read.
I wish he could have paid his taxes, renewed his passport and visited me here.
I wish when I was younger, I had made a better attempt at getting to know him.
I wish I had the kind of close relationship he had with his peers and students.
I wish I was a better daughter who knew who her father really was.
I wish I didn’t feel so bad not missing him more than I should.
I wish I was closer to him.

I wish for so many things, most of all I wish he was still alive, even though we don’t speak to each other much, or have lengthy conversations about anything, I just wish he was there for me to call and say to him, Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

plane sunset

3 Comments so far

  1. ahseng  |  June 26th, 2011 4:01 pm

    sometimes it’s not easy to express how we feel..

  2. Cheryl  |  November 21st, 2011 11:57 pm

    Hi dear, long time no speakie, thought I’d drop by and say hi. erm, don’t yell at me but my mail account went funny and I lost track of which is your mail account? drop me a line when you have time.

  3. kyh  |  November 26th, 2011 2:24 pm

    i bonded better with my mum too, an i rarely engage on a personal conversation with dad - i tell my problems to my mum most of the time.

    this is such a touching post… ;(((